and so it begins

During the thirty-third year of my life I began to discover many new things about myself and how I naturally operate. I had moved off the west coast for the first time in my life, to Texas (Austin, don't worry) a couple years prior. I was in the middle of an exciting adventure with the love of my life. I was fearless and determined. I was hungry for change, as I had been for most of my adult life. I had gained wisdom through my twenties on how to use my impulsiveness in better ways, so I had taken this move on with patience and preparation. I was ready. I was beginning to live the life I had always wanted to. 

While settling into my new world, I began to hit numerous roadblocks that were familiar, very predictable, and very frustrating.  I was struggling with attention to detail in every area of my life. I had a very limited attention span for anything. I was constantly forgetful, distracted, and painfully struggled to start or finish tasks (fun/important or not). I would become irritable or emotional during transitions between tasks. If i was interrupted, or asked to repeat or explain my intentions, I felt like my head would explode. If someone needed my attention elsewhere while i was trying to focus on something,  I would snap from feeling overwhelmed. I was constantly having circular conversations and arguments with my boyfriend because I couldn't articulate or focus on my point or thoughts productively, and would endlessly try and "explain myself". Sensory interruptions plagued me (ie: an overwhelming smell in a restaurant while i was try to talk to my dinner mate. Background music while driving or trying to concentrate on something. Bad lighting. Scratchy or too tight clothing). I needed silence to do anything. I would feel exhausted and disappointed in myself and just want to lay in bed. The next hour or day I could wake up feeling completely different. Hopeful, excited, and determined. I was not in a shortage of ideas, dreams, or motivation. It was something else, a lack of focus. Instead of committing to the one element of a plan, I was overwhelmed with the 30 things around it, and the 30 other things i wouldn't do if i began that one. It was an exhaustion of worry, disguised as not having the gumption, commitment, or desire. I was full of incredible ideas and visions, that i wanted to do, but couldn't understand why I wasn't able to. I wasn't lazy, scared, or unmotivated- no matter how much I might place the blame on lack of money, lack of time, and lack of preparation. This cycle was fierce and taking power over my life, more strongly than it ever had.  It was draining me. My "power button" was getting maxed out, misplaced, and ultimately failing me. After several jobs, a few apartments, new friends, and then the purchase of our home in the country outside of town, my life finally began to mellow and settle. It was quiet out here. I had time. Everything was slower, beautiful, and dreamy. My peaceful country environment cleared my chaotic brain for me. I had taken several jobs and opportunities that didn't work out in my first two years in Austin, and those were still eating at me. They added to my soup of self doubt, anxiety, and complacency. Once I became aware and accepted it, I was eager to start to deal with it.  I made a conscious decision to reevaluate my brain’s control center. How am I operating on a day to day level and for the big picture? Why am I approaching tasks in that way? How have I arrived at these methods? Are they effective? Am I progressing in all the ways I desire to? After articulating those answers to myself, I decided that I truly needed and wanted a completely different plan. These thoughts had been looming for many years, but the anxiety and depression from lack of (desired)accomplishments had debilitated me from beginning to move forward in new ways. I knew i wanted to do things differently, but I had no clue as to how I could make that happen. 

I was awoken to several “a-ha!” realizations while talking with a close friend who had been recently diagnosed and medicated for ADHD. We are absolutely wired the exact same way, and had bonded over our approach to life as we knew it for many years. She was trustworthy, had a few more years of life under her belt, was not obsessed with western medicine, and like family to me. Everything she was saying about needing change in her life, and how she felt like a race car on ice with no traction, really hit home with me. The timing was perfect. I was open to really listening to her, and then listening to myself. With the fear of being seduced into hysteria, I decided to take her realizations, that were so similar to mine; into a long period of consideration. It prompted countless hours of research on the taboo subject of ADHD. Shortly after talking to her, I also learned my youngest sister had been diagnosed and medicated for ADHD a few years prior, we hadn't discussed it until I called her up to talk about what I was going through. This networking and online researching engulfed every morning for months (I now know, this is called hyper focusing- ha!), until I finally arrived at the first step of my new plan. 

Due to the lack of resources specifically on inattentive adult women with ADHD, I have decided to start this blog. I hope my experiences and journey will at the least validate and encourage women to begin their own process of understanding ADHD, and what methods of coping and flourishing are best suited for them. Sometimes we just need a sense of community to spark our fire and hunger for understanding, peace, self-acceptance, and happiness.