and so it begins

During the thirty-third year of my life I began to discover many new things about myself and how I naturally operate. I had moved off the west coast for the first time in my life, to Texas (Austin, don't worry) a couple years prior. I was in the middle of an exciting adventure with the love of my life. I was fearless and determined. I was hungry for change, as I had been for most of my adult life. I had gained wisdom through my twenties on how to use my impulsiveness in better ways, so I had taken this move on with patience and preparation. I was ready. I was beginning to live the life I had always wanted to. 

While settling into my new world, I began to hit numerous roadblocks that were familiar, very predictable, and very frustrating.  I was struggling with attention to detail in every area of my life. I had a very limited attention span for anything. I was constantly forgetful, distracted, and painfully struggled to start or finish tasks (fun/important or not). I would become irritable or emotional during transitions between tasks. If i was interrupted, or asked to repeat or explain my intentions, I felt like my head would explode. If someone needed my attention elsewhere while i was trying to focus on something,  I would snap from feeling overwhelmed. I was constantly having circular conversations and arguments with my boyfriend because I couldn't articulate or focus on my point or thoughts productively, and would endlessly try and "explain myself". Sensory interruptions plagued me (ie: an overwhelming smell in a restaurant while i was try to talk to my dinner mate. Background music while driving or trying to concentrate on something. Bad lighting. Scratchy or too tight clothing). I needed silence to do anything. I would feel exhausted and disappointed in myself and just want to lay in bed. The next hour or day I could wake up feeling completely different. Hopeful, excited, and determined. I was not in a shortage of ideas, dreams, or motivation. It was something else, a lack of focus. Instead of committing to the one element of a plan, I was overwhelmed with the 30 things around it, and the 30 other things i wouldn't do if i began that one. It was an exhaustion of worry, disguised as not having the gumption, commitment, or desire. I was full of incredible ideas and visions, that i wanted to do, but couldn't understand why I wasn't able to. I wasn't lazy, scared, or unmotivated- no matter how much I might place the blame on lack of money, lack of time, and lack of preparation. This cycle was fierce and taking power over my life, more strongly than it ever had.  It was draining me. My "power button" was getting maxed out, misplaced, and ultimately failing me. After several jobs, a few apartments, new friends, and then the purchase of our home in the country outside of town, my life finally began to mellow and settle. It was quiet out here. I had time. Everything was slower, beautiful, and dreamy. My peaceful country environment cleared my chaotic brain for me. I had taken several jobs and opportunities that didn't work out in my first two years in Austin, and those were still eating at me. They added to my soup of self doubt, anxiety, and complacency. Once I became aware and accepted it, I was eager to start to deal with it.  I made a conscious decision to reevaluate my brain’s control center. How am I operating on a day to day level and for the big picture? Why am I approaching tasks in that way? How have I arrived at these methods? Are they effective? Am I progressing in all the ways I desire to? After articulating those answers to myself, I decided that I truly needed and wanted a completely different plan. These thoughts had been looming for many years, but the anxiety and depression from lack of (desired)accomplishments had debilitated me from beginning to move forward in new ways. I knew i wanted to do things differently, but I had no clue as to how I could make that happen. 

I was awoken to several “a-ha!” realizations while talking with a close friend who had been recently diagnosed and medicated for ADHD. We are absolutely wired the exact same way, and had bonded over our approach to life as we knew it for many years. She was trustworthy, had a few more years of life under her belt, was not obsessed with western medicine, and like family to me. Everything she was saying about needing change in her life, and how she felt like a race car on ice with no traction, really hit home with me. The timing was perfect. I was open to really listening to her, and then listening to myself. With the fear of being seduced into hysteria, I decided to take her realizations, that were so similar to mine; into a long period of consideration. It prompted countless hours of research on the taboo subject of ADHD. Shortly after talking to her, I also learned my youngest sister had been diagnosed and medicated for ADHD a few years prior, we hadn't discussed it until I called her up to talk about what I was going through. This networking and online researching engulfed every morning for months (I now know, this is called hyper focusing- ha!), until I finally arrived at the first step of my new plan. 

Due to the lack of resources specifically on inattentive adult women with ADHD, I have decided to start this blog. I hope my experiences and journey will at the least validate and encourage women to begin their own process of understanding ADHD, and what methods of coping and flourishing are best suited for them. Sometimes we just need a sense of community to spark our fire and hunger for understanding, peace, self-acceptance, and happiness. 

Click on the Link below for a breakdown

Common ADHD Symptoms in Women

"She may have a low tolerance for stress, feel extremely sensitive to criticism, and work hard to conform to adult expectations in hopes of gaining approval from others. She may have a hard time saying “no” to others, over committing to responsibilities that she cannot fulfill. It may be difficult for her to make firm decisions on even simple tasks, so that she seems wishy-washy and indecisive. Problem solving situations can become overwhelming and she may often find herself stuck, experiencing a sense of paralysis, unable to move forward at all.

Managing her time can be quite a challenge, as well, and “running late” may be her norm. She may also be hypersensitive to her environment – the noise, the sights, even touch – and quickly become overloaded, “shutting down” and unable to function. She may feel and incredible sense of shame, berating herself for not “living up to her potential”."

Let the research begin!

While researching,  I found tons of resources for ADHD in youtubes, articles, blogs, medical websites, and books. Unfortunately they all had one blatantly main underlying common denominator: 

Most information primarily addresses ADD/ADHD amongst hyperactive little boys or men. 

There are very few resources for inactive, impulsive adult women. Seriously, google “ADHD for women”, the majority of resources that will pop up are for women who are mothers with ADD kids, but don't actually have it themselves. ARGHHH!! There are blogs written by and for women that seemed to pander to gender stereotypes: for "busy rich executives divas" or "overwhelmed stay-at-home-craft-moms", all of which did not speak to me directly and ultimately annoyed me. Some of the personal blogs from/for women were somewhat helpful, but I don't want a "Carrie Bradshaw-esque" breakdown, I need REALNESS. There were plenty of blogs from non-adhd wives of husbands that had adhd, adult's experiences on/off medication for ADHD, and very vague medical symptoms/tests/causes for ADHD. Again, not what I was looking for. 

While I was able to pull some goodness and valid information from these various sites, there was still a major lack of connection for me. While certain parts were useful for my own life, I was forced to cryptically relate. I didn't really need to know how to get my spazzy child's morning routine easier for him, why my moody husband can't find his keys or keep a job, or read about exhausting and dramatic horror stories from people needing to change their dosage or stop their "over prescribed" ADHD meds!! (enter eyeroll: ya, people on too many uppers isn't going to be pleasant, ya rookie.)

There were plenty of articles on anxiety and depression for adult women ( some loosely connecting to ADHD specifically). This registered with me. I found many women with similar experiences to mine, had been quickly diagnosed/medicated for depression as a teenager, and also had symptoms of anxiety periodically throughout teen years and twenties. 

What I have discovered through this roller coaster of new ADHD knowledge and acceptance, is that my anxiety and depression were actually symptoms of my untreated ADHD, and not solo general issues. My inability to focus on a task, idea, or creating/executing a plan, resulted in numerous “failures”. Those failures were directly followed with bouts of depression and anxiety. I was anxious that I didn’t pay my phone bill or would/had forgot my homework/keys. I was depressed that I never went to the art store to buy the canvas to start the process of nurturing my desire to paint. I reverted to anxiety and depression pre and post task because it was highly probable that I would forget something, not be able to focus, and ultimately not complete something. My anxiety and depression weren't ungrounded or "out of no where", I had concrete factual based reasons/evidence to worry or be bummed that I wouldn't complete something how I wanted to: experience. I had legit reasons to be anxious pre task, and to be depressed post task. All of my inabilities then seemed to be directly linked to the looming unknown monster: ADHD. 

I needed to understand and then deal with this mysterious monster!

The lack of varied information for women with ADHD caused me massive amounts of frustration and determination to further my hunt for knowledge. The list below are a few direct links to helpful information for women with ADHD, besides the classic ones that will come up in a basic search (which generally have awful and outdated web design, BTW. It's hard to even want to read them. #clipart #gross)

I'll add to this list in future posts on more specific topics:

1. medicinenet.com/ adhd

2. additudemag.com/adhd-women

3. (this one is for girls, not women- but still helpful) adhd youtube

4. adhdmanagement.com

5. additudemag.com/resource-adhd-women (main page)

6. absent-minded superhero/ blog

This video discusses how adhd can be different for men and women. It is great!:

http://youtu.be/MPJH2mmeZuo

some background info

When I was 18, it was suggested by a therapist that I could be struggling with untreated ADHD. At the time I was a punk rock vegan hippie-type living in the northwest. The last thing I was willing to do was partake in some pill-happy western medicine solution for anything. I was not willing to even take Advil or cold medicine, that's what water, sleeping in dark rooms, and weed are for. There were plenty of herbs, dietary regimes, and exercises I could do to heal any ailments. I am not discrediting any homeopathic methods, and still generally partake in them as a first option to this day. 

I then began a decade or more of self-medicating for my possible ADHD-caused symptoms. Much to my success, most methods were sufficient, helpful and benefited me greatly. They were practices I had been doing since a young age, and also new methods I started based off suggestions from various resources. Below is a (mostly hindsight) list of how I coped with my supposed ADHD and it’s symptoms for all of my 20's:

1. Caffeine/ sugar /nicotine

2. Passion Flower/ kava-kava / Marijuana

3. Understanding my most “productive time spans” throughout the day

4. Fish oil/ Zinc/ Evening primrose oil

5. Embracing the “interesting factor”

6. Becoming self-employed

7. Astrological Sign/traits knowledge (Gemini)

Next I am going to go into further detail over each method:

1. All three listed here are uppers. ADHD is generally treated with pharmaceutical grade stimulants. I learned to use massive amounts of coffee in the morning to jump start my energy, and then would rock a sugared soda or two later in the day, to continue speed. I began smoking cigarettes in my early twenties, and found comfort in my much needed regrouping "breaks", physical nicotine rushes, and doing something with my hands to aid in focus while in conversation. 

2. All three listed here are downers. I will keep it real: I prefer these. I'll always favor mellow. ADHD generally leads to periods of hyper impulsiveness and anxiety. I learned that passion flower and kava-kava were really helpful to stabilize my feelings of being rushed and anxious. They would help me maintain a moderate level of mellowness. I would drink kava-kava tea at night, to calm down from the day, deactivate my stimulants mentioned above, and be able to fall asleep at night. I began smoking pot regularly around 18. If you're a stoner, you'll understand when i say: I smoked some insanely good West Coast, northwest shit. I know what strain it was, i knew how it was grown, and it was very close to becoming legal. Marijuana absolutely affected my life for the better. It was the most incredible discovery that I will forever be grateful to. For the first time I could focus, quiet my mind, tap into creativity for long periods of time, eat healthy, concentrate on positive things, let go of worry, nurture ideas and truly understand what it felt like to be functionally happy, productive, and at peace in my own mind. It was a complete game changer for my life.

Hands down: Marijuana was incredibly effective for me and helped my ADHD symptoms then, as accurately as Adderall does for me now. They both work for me. Both also have potential downfalls if not used responsibly, correctly, or "just because every one's brain is different", when treating ADHD. Ultimately, my experience has been that both can equally change your life for the better, and I am so grateful. (If you want to quickly test this theory, when you get home at the end of the day, try switching the last daily dose of your prescribed stimulant for a few puffs on a joint while you're PMS-ing. trust me, you'll get it.)

I will be making an additional post digging deeper and entirely about self medicating with marijuana for my ADHD symptoms. It is very common among people with ADHD, and specifically for women. It's pretty juicy, so stay tuned.

3. My most productive time spans were early mornings, and late at night. Looking back, it must have been from coffee in the morning, and then weed at night. My afternoons were full of naps and feeling overwhelmingly distracted. If i needed to get something done, it was going to have to be early or late. Once you're aware of it, you can plan your days accordingly, and it's tremendously helpful.

4. All three listed here are known to help people with ADHD. I have awesome people in my life who taught me all about what roots, herbs, supplements and vitamins to take for various reasons in my life. They were very useful, healthy and beneficial for me, and still are to this day.

Here is one of many resources to learn all about that:   vitamins and supplements for ADHD

5. The "interesting factor" plays a huge part in my order of starting and finishing something. If I could actually complete making a list, my plan of attack would be in order of interest, not importance. I'll give an example:  If I needed to clean my house, I would buy a fun new cleaning product, burn a new candle, and re organize/design a room to then inspire me into cleaning. It's a method that people who don't have ADHD use from time to time, (ie: you get a new couch, suddenly you are inspired to clean your whole living room in order to showcase it? or maybe they don't? maybe non ADHDers planned the cleaning project before hand and now they are checking it off their massive (non)intimidating list?) but a person who has adhd does this ALL THE TIME. no joke. I would almost pee my pants in the morning because I had to let the dog out, and start the coffee before it was important (interesting) enough to pee. That's a weird example, but very true. I need to know the 5 things i need to get done, but i don't plan on the order in which they will get done, that's on the fly y'all.  I can have an idea about what dress I'll wear to the party, but i need to feel like wearing it the day of (this explains why i would get anxious to pack for a trip: because it actually does take me longer to pack, because i am packing more. i'm not worried i won't have enough clothes in general, i'm trying to avoid a freakout/breakdown over lack of options for when i get dressed). Once I understood that something had to strike me as interesting and that i needed to feel like doing it for me to begin and (sometimes) finish it, I then learned to use that method to my advantage. I began to manipulate my tasks to go in that order, during times I knew there was a higher probability for it to work with me, and not against me. I quickly learned that if i challenged the "interesting factor", I was most likely going to end up having an emotional shut down at some random breaking point. I tricked my brain into accepting the "glory" in attempts, instead of completion. hey, it's a start? yay me?

This is a great little breakdown on taking advantage of a peak in energy: work-with-your-adhd

6. Anytime I have worked for myself, or at least had power over my schedule and expectations, I am happier, more productive, and more successful. The section above this one comes into play when dealing with scheduling and booking appointments that I need to do. When I am my own boss, i choose my windows of availability. Being a hairstylist absolutely suits me creatively, and mentally. I get the opportunity to get to know tons of different types of people in a very intimate setting. I get to talk or be quiet. I get to do something with my hands. I utilize the creative side of my brain along with the logical, rule based side. Its challenging, engaging, and offers me a flexible schedule while being a routine-based service provider. I love what i do, and love that I have figured out how to do what I love, the way I want to. It's gratifying, challenging, needed, and really fun.

7. I am a Gemini. A June baby. I take astrology and rules of the Zodiac as an interesting, ancient and lovely suggestion. I do not rely on it, nor base my life around it. I just really enjoy it.  Once I learned and accepted that I was indeed a Gemini and all that it entails, I started making a lot more sense to myself. It was useful to be aware of my inherent approaches and tendencies. I accepted and celebrated my ADHD symptoms as just quirky classic Geminisms. And hey, why not? I'm not trying to "cure" myself, I'm just trying to function in the ways i know i can and want to.

Here's a little Gemini breakdown: 

Gemini Character:

Ruled by the quick and lively planet Mercury, the messenger of the gods, and with a masculine (penetrative) nature, Gemini externalises its energy. A mutable (flexible and adaptable) sign, Gemini governs communications, intellectual matters and gossip!

It is an Air (inventive and objective) sign and you, the Gemini, are ingenious, a quick-witted communicator, although often restless, easily bored and can become frustrated by things moving too slowly.

Mercury is the planet of childhood and youth and because of its dual-nature (The Twins) Geminians tend to be elusive, complex and contradictory - on one hand versatile and on the other two-faced and flighty.

The nursery rhyme about the little girl with the little curl in the middle of her forehead springs to mind "And when she was good, she was very very good, and when she was bad she was horrid".

Like children, Geminians are lively and happy if the circumstances are right for you or, on the other hand, egocentric, imaginative and restless.

If things go against you, you sulk like a child. Also like a child, you demand attention, admiration, and the spending on you of time, energy and money, throwing tantrums if you don't get what you want!

Geminians take up new activities enthusiastically but lack application, constantly needing new interests, flitting from project to project as apparently purposelessly as a butterfly from flower to flower.

To Geminians life is a game which must always be full of fresh moves and continuous entertainment, free of labour and routine. Changing track in the middle of the stream is another quirk of your personality, which makes decision making, and sticking to a decision, particularly hard for you.

The lover of ideas but with no need to put them into practicality.

On the other hand your versatility can make you very adaptable, adjusting yourself to control the world around you by means of your inherent ingenuity and cleverness.

Gemini Mind:

Most Geminians have keen, intuitive, sometimes brilliant intelligence and love cerebral challenges. But concentration, though intense for a while, does not last.

Mental agility and energy gives you a voracious appetite for knowledge from youth onward, though you dislike the labour of learning. You easily grasp almost everything requiring intelligence and mental dexterity, and are often able to marry manual skills to the qualities of mind.

Your intellect is strongly analytical and sometimes gives you so great an ability to see both side of a question that you vacillate and find it hard to make decisions. But your intelligence may very well be used to control and unify the duality of your nature into a most efficient unit.

If faced with difficulties, you have little determination to worry at a problem until you find a solution - you'd rather pick the brains of others.

In intellectual pursuits, as in other departments of your live, you risk becoming a dilettante, losing yourself in too many projects, which you follow until they become difficult.

Gemini Emotion:

In love the Geminian is fickle, not intentionally so but because of the basic inconsistency of your emotional nature, which has an amoral aspect to it.

There is a side to Geminians, which can become deeply involved emotionally and another, which is hostile to sentimentality, which stands back from a romantic situation, laughing at it and the protagonists in it, including yourself, while analysing it intellectually.

Gemini subjects take nothing seriously. So, in love, in spite of your temporary depth of feeling, for the intensity of involvement lasts only while it is new, you are superficial, light-hearted, cool, flirtatious and unimaginative in the understanding of the pain you may give others. You like to look for intrigue, the excitement of the chase, but once you have caught the prey, you lose interest and look around for the next creature to pursue.

In less serious situation you make witty, entertaining companions, good acquaintances rather than friends.

Even at your worst you are never dull - there is usually playfulness below the surface and you can make brilliant conversationalist

Pretty aligned with ADHD, huh? I'm sure you can see why, after reviewing gemini breakdowns, I made sense to myself. I had a hall pass. My ADHD symptoms, were suddenly part of my charm. Don't get me wrong, they are- that is the point of it all, I just needed them to work for me, and not against me. 

After breaking all these methods of coping down to myself, I really had a clear concept about how i had been handling and coping with my adhd symptoms for years. Yet, here i was, needing some sort of change and different approach. My main coping method was marijuana, and that began to work against me after I moved to Texas. I had little access to it, it is illegal here, my tolerance level went considerably lower, and I could not guarantee its integrity. Ill get more into that in the marijuana post to follow. 

I decided I must explore information about the thing I had proudly avoided for so long: medication options. The mere thought made me uneasy and anxious. 

ADHD + Marijuana: part one

I have a lot to talk about with this subject. I'm gonna start with suggesting you watch the video below:

Marijuana and ADHD

I'm also gonna recommend that you should do a search on the subject. There is a lot of information out there, some of which is in the very early stages of research and studies. If you aren't informed about marijuana in general, start with that. If you think pot is the illegal bad drug's creepy gateway cousin, you're wrong and misinformed. It isn't necessarily your fault, there has been a ton of money, decades of time, and government involvement to make that a common viewpoint. Eventually i'll add some basic marijuana breakdown links for that, i promise.


Here is a great link about adults being prescribed medical marijuana for ADHD: http://normlwomensalliance.org

Below is a link (and the article is copied below that) that is one of many articles on this subject. Please do your own research. This one is just a nice, clear quick read. There are tons of interesting videos on this subject, but there a lot of videos from "experts" who clearly don't have any knowledge about marijuana in general. So be aware. There are so many personal testimonials in the comments of those videos from people who have benefited from using medical marijuana to treat adhd. I know weed is a "touchy subject", but its surprising that it's more taboo than adderall/stimulants, i mean FOR REALS?

I will share my personal experience with marijuana in my next post, so grab a cup of tea and your pj pants, it's gonna be a long one.

http://www.leafly.com:

"In the eyes of popular culture, cannabis consumers aren’t exactly models of concentration and cognitive performance. So when a small group of researchers began exploring cannabis as alternative treatment for attention deficit disorders, there was of course some scoffing and skepticism. Nevertheless, with so many medical marijuana patients swearing by its ability to promote focus in place of prescription stimulants, these doctors sought to take a closer look at the scientific basis of this counterintuitive phenomenon.

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, better known as ADHD, is a controversial diagnosis marked by distractibility, hyperactivity, and impulsivity. Adults are more likely to be diagnosed with attention deficit disorder, or ADD, which lacks this hyperactivity characteristic, but is similar in other ways to ADHD. More than one in 10 children in the U.S. will be diagnosed with ADD/ADHD, a figure that has grown exponentially in the last 50 years. Since 1957, doctors have been treating ADD/ADHD patients with psychostimulants like Adderall, Ritalin, and Concerta -- medications that are molecularly indistinguishable from drugs like methamphetamine and cocaine.

Antonio Rodriguez, diagnosed with ADD/ADHD at age six, had been among the masses prescribed stimulant medications. “I remember having headaches all the time to the point where I wasn’t able to sleep,” Antonio said, adding that his appetite was also nonexistent until treating with cannabis; and not only was cannabis lifting the stimulant side effects, it improved Antonio’s ADD/ADHD symptoms. “For the first time ever, I was in the state where I could really get my mind together.”

Having only been taught the dangers of using cannabis, Antonio was cautious about trying it for the first time. “I got scared about the whole ‘addiction’ side of cannabis,” Antonio said. “I was waiting for the moment my body asked me for weed, but it never happened.”

For those coming from an anti-cannabis background, explaining its therapeutic properties to friends and family can be difficult. This was no less true for Antonio, despite the fact that his performance in school had won him college acceptance with a scholarship. The reality is, there’s far too little research on cannabis and ADD/ADHD to know exactly how the two interact. Still, the data and results emerging from initial investigations show that there is more digging to be done.

One main physiological irregularity of ADD/ADHD is the brain’s shortage of dopamine, a chemical neurotransmitter involved in cognitive processes like memory and attention. Medications like Adderall and Ritalin stimulate dopamine, thereby promoting concentration, but come with a myriad of unpleasant side effects and withdrawal symptoms.

Dr. David Bearman, a figurehead of cannabis research, has studied the relationship between the cannabinoid system and ADHD and discovered potential therapeutic value as cannabinoids interact with the brain’s dopamine management systems.

“Cannabis appears to treat ADD and ADHD by increasing the availability of dopamine,” Dr. Bearman wrote. “This then has the same effect but is a different mechanism of action than stimulants like Ritalin (methylphenidate) and dexedrine amphetamine, which act by binding to the dopamine and interfering with the metabolic breakdown of dopamine.”

Put simply, the compounds found in cannabis, called cannabinoids, could potentially correct the dopamine deficiency observed in ADD/ADHD patients if dosed appropriately and administered safely. Even in its raw form, cannabis is able to provide the mental slowdown necessary for concentration in many patients. Boring and arduous tasks become more manageable, and mood swings tend to level out. But why?

“The most accepted theory about ADHD rests on the fact that about 70 percent of the brain’s function is to regulate input to the other 30 percent,” Dr. Bearman says. “Basically the brain is overwhelmed with too much information coming too fast. In ADHD, the brain is cluttered with and too aware of all the nuances of a person’s daily experience.”

While most medical professionals agree that anecdotal evidence is not sufficient in recommending cannabis for ADD/ADHD, researchers are optimistic about the potential cannabis is demonstrating. When political blockades let up and further research resumes, it could be that cannabinoid therapy provides a frontier for safer, more effective ADD/ADHD medication."